Confessing Confusion

I’ve lived a pretty long time now . . . I’ve seen and done things, many wonderful, enchanting even, many, too many, horrifying too.

It would take a month to recount all of it, I don’t have a month.
My earliest memories are swinging my imaginary friend Boo, pushing the swing and my first cocker spaniel, who I also named Boo. I remember running my little 4 year old fingers thru her golden curls, so perfectly soft.

When I was just 10 months I’d severely burned my palms, that would of been terrible for a baby.
I remember at 3 my little brother Jack came home from the hospital. I’d like to say I loved him dearly from the beginning, but our love warmed up slowly, I was a bit jealous.

Mommy’s lap was my favourite place to be and my baby nurse Lucille, who took the bus from nearby Oak Park to help with me, I loved her so much. Lucille helped everyday until I was 6 and we moved to the burbs. I wish I knew her family so I could tell them thank you.

Walking to school out in the burbs, I only had a couple of blocks, but sometimes I got scared.
The teacher taught us to shield our eyes and get under our desk for when the missiles hit, it was the Bay of Pigs.

Horrifying and so bizarre.

Mom asking me what we were doing and her pained expression when I demonstrated.
My cousin Patti coming to visit in the Summer, she was my first true friend outside my immediate family and neighborhood pals.

I loved her so and wanted to be thin like her. Struggling with this demon for most of my life, then the relief of true acceptance of myself, with all my imperfections. Horror and triumph.

Making it thru my teen years and into the era of romance. My first marriage at 18.
Happiness I could almost touch. Growing my friendship and love of my Mom before it was too late. Luncheons, gifts, conversations and love. I’m blessed to have gotten to “the love” with her fully.
Then losing her, losing everything, almost losing me.

A few years later onto lovely Hawaii, living in Paradise for 23 years and marrying for the final time to a man I adore.
Making a life together … working, relaxing, building, traveling. I’ve had wonderful experiences I even got to be a Mom, thank God. That joy joy.

Watching the national disasters, assassinations, accidents, hurricanes, murders ….. all mixed up with trying to be a Happy person, living a worthwhile life, it’s all been confusing, heartfelt, random and scary all at the same time.

Life. I don’t understand most of the time. I’ve worked on assimilating, coping, understanding to get by, to also be content and useful.

Many years ago I found a power greater than myself to believe in AND to give me enough faith, to get up and keep doing it everyday, one day at a time.


Outlander Tonight

Spoiler stills from tonight, called Surrender.

Jamie and Clare both Surrender in their own ways, in this pivotal epi, albeit 200 years apart, they remain connected by similar cathartic experiences.

The transformation of Jamie to one hiding in a cave is particularly stirring. I had a hard time recognizing his gaunt, dirty and distant persona 6 years after bloody Culloden.

He is a hunted animal, and heroic in saving young Fergus.

Outlander is remarkable. ☆☆☆☆

51st Acorn Festival & Pow Wow

The colors, the drums, the singing, the entire ensemble of the Me-Wuk Nation at Toulomne, California held the 51st annual gathering last week and my friend JR Sikoryak and I attended for an event of powerful beauty, even majesty. I concentrated on photographing the dancers and took a few videos as well. The photographs I took here, were all on September 9, 2017.

My favorite male dancer of the weekend, he also judged some of the young Nation participants.

This feathered headdress was sitting just feet from where we enjoyed the participants.

The young Nation dancers were full of energy.

Some costumes were memorable.

Here’s a short peek at the Dancing.

Even young girls were very well represented.

Judging for the contests.

This masked young man caught my eye.

JR and I at the Pow Wow.

My favorite photo that I took from the event was this one …

Geronimo on the USA flag and a great warrior dancer.

Mendocino Summer

Spending time in Northern California on the wild coast amid the redwoods is something everyone should do at some time in their life. This is why … 
To get there drive West on ca 20 ….. from Willits a windy wonderful road thru magnificent pines and redwoods.

There are turnouts which say you must use them if someone wants to pass. I did about 12 times.

If you stop at Browns corner as you enter Willits you can see this tree cross section, about 15′ wide at least.

Also the folks at Browns are great they had hydrogen peroxide I needed for my ears, good clean restrooms and they pumped my gas when I asked. Very nice and more fun than Chevron.

The road is not for wimps.

On to Ft. Bragg …

You cross Noyo Harbor 

Lots of fun restaurants and boating

Driving North to MacKerricher State Park is beautiful.

I spent my first honeymoon in a family cabin here.

And I’ve camped here several times.

Its much more breathtaking in person.

I got to visit my cousin.

We are close in age and spent July 4 together as kids many summers.

Beautiful Mendocino.

Trees are fantastic.

The drive home was about 5 hours. It was a real good test trip for van life, about 400 miles in 4 days.  I will be back soon.
Gus liked to lick my face. Good buddy. 

9Watch “Jefferson Airplane – Comin’ Back To Me” on YouTube

Still waiting …..

Been waiting a very long time.

Beauty, hope, love. 

Learning to paint helped me love myself and accept myself as I am.

Took this the other day, sometimes I forget how old I am and I need a reminder … without make up or edits. 

Coming Back to Me ….

the mystery question, I won’t share the answer.

I thought it was a certain person, but no. 

An activity or location, but no.

Perhaps an emotion or a yearning …. 

a memory that has a life of its own …

So many possibilities.

Coming Back to Me 

Where ever that is.