And I have alot of feelings about it in varying degrees of intensity.
Probably the overriding feeling is I’m very happy that she is happier now.
We were married at 18, my first husband and first love.
We were married about 4 years, straight out of high school and very passionate. I mean VERY.
When we parted we didn’t see each other for decades, I had a resentment and it stayed that way, I did alot of “work” getting over that marriage and never really did get past it.
Fast forward multiple decades to 2007 or so. I’ve left Hawaii after 23 years and am back in my hometown in Central California.
I wanted to return to state employment to achieve retirement income eventually and my plan worked.
And facebook happened soon. Along comes being able to find people from the our pasts. Her name was Rick then, and has been openly transitioning on fb in last few years.
I received a fb message, HI Jill, do you remember me?
Ah, yes we were married, I remember you. We chatted, she wanted to contact me before a party Stephen H. was giving at his new home in our old neighborhood. Steve was someone I’d known since 5th grade, we’d done a play together too in grade school.
So yes I was going to this monumental old neighborhood party of those of us who grew up and all went to school together.
And my first ex would be there too. Oh. Really. Decades later.
She (My ex husband) asked if we could meet up prior to the party. Good idea.
Our lunch get together at the Crepeary on Freeport was a perfect place, and when she came thru the door, the years, the resentments, the questions ALL fell away. Gone. We embraced and my second life with my #1 had begun. And there was alot of forgiving and understanding.
We talked for hours.
It was beyond cathartic.
The party was great, people I hadn’t seen in decades came, I didn’t recognize most.
Subsequent parties occurred, less heavily attended than the first. Some of us had been friends since grade school.
One big Homecoming!
So my relationship with my ex continued, we began playing guitar together like we had on Mom’s living room in high school, Max and Ron rejoined us and we were a 4 some again, banging our guitars to Dylan, the Beatles and more.
She and I flirted alot and goofed around some. I was still attracted and had no idea what “I’ve always been a lesbian” meant to she/he. I was oblivious, utterly without, guile or suspicion, a pure Pollyanna. This went on til about 2015.
Then the truth came out finally. He was a she and was going to live happy for the rest of her life. She was transitioning. Ok! I’m happy if You are happy!
It took months for nervous anxiety to set it, doubt and fear are not my friends and reality cannot be ignored. At least not by this 12 stepper.
What are you gonna do?
ALL THE WAY???
Fast forward about 3 years to now and the surgery is happening in a couple of weeks. With a bullet, my fear and anxiety morphed into mostly concern for her health thru this major procedure, I want Everything to be safe and healthy and problem free. I want to be 100% onboard like a big girl facing the unknown. I want to be of help to my ex.
She will be happy, already has her other lady bits and now will have every single lady bit.
Just like me, not a lesbian.