Confessing Confusion

I’ve lived a pretty long time now . . . I’ve seen and done things, many wonderful, enchanting even, many, too many, horrifying too.

It would take a month to recount all of it, I don’t have a month.
My earliest memories are swinging my imaginary friend Boo, pushing the swing and my first cocker spaniel, who I also named Boo. I remember running my little 4 year old fingers thru her golden curls, so perfectly soft.

When I was just 10 months I’d severely burned my palms, that would of been terrible for a baby.
I remember at 3 my little brother Jack came home from the hospital. I’d like to say I loved him dearly from the beginning, but our love warmed up slowly, I was a bit jealous.

Mommy’s lap was my favourite place to be and my baby nurse Lucille, who took the bus from nearby Oak Park to help with me, I loved her so much. Lucille helped everyday until I was 6 and we moved to the burbs. I wish I knew her family so I could tell them thank you.

Walking to school out in the burbs, I only had a couple of blocks, but sometimes I got scared.
The teacher taught us to shield our eyes and get under our desk for when the missiles hit, it was the Bay of Pigs.

Horrifying and so bizarre.

Mom asking me what we were doing and her pained expression when I demonstrated.
My cousin Patti coming to visit in the Summer, she was my first true friend outside my immediate family and neighborhood pals.

I loved her so and wanted to be thin like her. Struggling with this demon for most of my life, then the relief of true acceptance of myself, with all my imperfections. Horror and triumph.

Making it thru my teen years and into the era of romance. My first marriage at 18.
Happiness I could almost touch. Growing my friendship and love of my Mom before it was too late. Luncheons, gifts, conversations and love. I’m blessed to have gotten to “the love” with her fully.
Then losing her, losing everything, almost losing me.

A few years later onto lovely Hawaii, living in Paradise for 23 years and marrying for the final time to a man I adore.
Making a life together … working, relaxing, building, traveling. I’ve had wonderful experiences I even got to be a Mom, thank God. That joy joy.

Watching the national disasters, assassinations, accidents, hurricanes, murders ….. all mixed up with trying to be a Happy person, living a worthwhile life, it’s all been confusing, heartfelt, random and scary all at the same time.

Life. I don’t understand most of the time. I’ve worked on assimilating, coping, understanding to get by, to also be content and useful.

Many years ago I found a power greater than myself to believe in AND to give me enough faith, to get up and keep doing it everyday, one day at a time.