Qualm as Self-Doubt

VAADHOO ISLAND, MALDIVES – UNDATED: Bioluminescence from glowing plankton in the tide line wash onto the beach, with stars above and a ships lights on the horizon in the Indian Ocean on Vaadhoo Island, Raa Atoll, Maldives. 

A GLOWING shore line looks more like a galax-sea than an Earth-sea. Taken in the Maldives this lit-up beach is brighter than the milky way thanks to the tiny creatures that live inside the sea water. Photographer, Doug Perrine.


Qualm is defined by google is “an uneasy feeling of doubt, worry, or fear, especially about one’s own conduct; a misgiving.”  Consequently, I read self-doubt.
Worrying, misgivings, self-doubt and fear give me the heebie geebies,so I consciously attempt and on a frequent basis, to turn OFF that self talk, that self-doubt that tries to rear its hideous head into my pretty life. Those negative thoughts are killers in my humble opinion. Actual killers of body, mind and soul, plus they make me completely miserable. If I am worrying about something I am creating two problems for myself, one is the actual worrying and the other is whatever it is I am worrying about, for instance take airline travel.
Flying has never been a favorite thing of mine to do, it is necessary though bcause I am not a homebody, I could spend the next 2 months worrying about my flights to Florida and Hawaii late in Summer, I could hem and haw and fret, letting fear take over and drown out my pleasure of anticipation and planning or I could decide to NOT focus on the negative and instead concentrate on enjoying my vacations once I get there, I can look up historical sights, restaurants, sightseeing, any swimming or places I can paint. Or I can wish I wasn’t going because I don’t love to fly. The choice is really mine to submit to the qualms of something that irritates me or to rise above the qualms and plan what things will make my uneasy flight worth it all.
Other qualms or self-doubts have to do with overcoming my own self-esteem issues and becoming a happier human, having had it both ways I enjoy happiness much more than feeling fear and loathing. It really seems like a no-brainer, but I know people who choose misery. They appear not to, they are victims of ‘circumstance’ or they are always unlucky. I think sometimes we make our own luck.
Take romance and ‘finding the one’. Libraries of books have been written about this subject. “OH! there are NO good men, they are all taken, or they are gay” or whatever excuse. I have never been single, I have been married for 24 years and I had several other long term relationships. Actually guys are easy. They are easy to find and easy to keep, usually. I have lost a few, but found reasonable substitutes later. They do not usually want to talk much, especially about their feelings or thoughts, they want to be fed well on occasion and they want hot, nasty sex in bed. Who doesn’t? I have lots of free time with girlfriends. I prefer talking to my girlfriends anyway.
So avoiding qualms is probably going to continue to be a preference for my life. I do not need anything more to cause problems that have not even happened yet, what a waste of time and energy. I have too much I want to do with the rest of my life to spend it creating situations just so I have something fresh to worry about or feel guilty about, if I make a mistake or do something I do not like, it is best to make amends quickly, either to myself or another human. Amend means to change, letting go of fears and qualms is conscious action I take to rid myself of dreaded worry. And I reap the benefits of being qualm free, tiny, shiny, or otherwise.

An acrylic I did a long time ago after going to Giverney, painting

helps me to remain free of qualms.


Author: Jillymaui - Travel, Kink, Music, Poly, more

A hopeful romantic, poly kinky bbw, travelin' gal, enjoying the last few decades of my life, I love the wild life, genealogy, SF Giants baseball, swimming, painting, guitars & playing, singing, sightseeing, and writing in my future home.

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