On Being My Choice
Indeed, having spent far too many years feeling like a victim of my circumstance, whatever it may be at the time. It is so convenient to think and feel like blaming someone or something else for lifes twists and turns, it does take a lot of fortitude to pull up the big girl pants and get to work on resolving problems in order to come out ahead. Or to stay even at times too.
Staying out of bitter mode, thats the goal. For me it means,facing the facts. For example, my first marriage ended and I was deeply in love. I thought he was too, we were young, just 18 when we married, and crazy happy. I knew things would ‘cool down’ but when they did, he seemed to lose interest, and moved on. We’d had so much in common, we played guitar together, we enjoyed concerts and entertaining our friends, we loved going up to the Gold Country for day trips, and we tried to have a baby. We were seekers of wisdom too.
When he left I had to re-adjust my entire life. I felt bitter and angry, when his Mother came to see me to take him back I told her, it was his choice. He used to come around to my cute new apartment for goodies, yes those goodies, and then he would leave me, alone in bed. I stayed bitter for a long time, and after my work at the DMV I would drink. Scotch. Chivas. Lots of it. When I started thinking, “I really need a drink” well, I knew I really had a problem, and the scotch was not fixing it, at all. It would take almost two more decades for me to get sober. A lot of bitterness, anger, sadness which was disguised spite. He was on every resentment list I ever created. This is not a healthy mind-set to say the least, I sought spiritual relief and at times got it. Recovery is a way of life that became very beneficial to me.
Eventually I did get over that marriage and found my happiness in art, music, spirituality and other interests. I remarried and raised a little boy and lived in the islands a long time, I made a life after choosing happiness over bitterness. It is a conscience decision to choose happy. Today on the good days I do choose to be, feel, act, happy. Sometimes it is an act, like at this job I do not love, but NO one likes an angry sourpuss, so behaving happy is almost as good as feeling happy, and no one gets hurt. Oh, by the way, today my first husband and I are good friends and play music at times, and in fact he is becoming a she and is also a happier person. How’s that for an ending?
Happy Flower Painting